I'm okay at basketball... baseball was more my thing....
Well, uh, I think they have a pickup game goin on at 10 AM
tomorrow
morning in the main gym for us freshmen
You playin?
It's a co-ed game, so it's a good chance to see some hungover
chicks run
up and down the court, watch their titties bounce, and hopefully
have them
back up into your morning dick wood while you D up...
That could be nice
You wanna head over to that frat party and start shotgunning some
beers?
Just give me a few minutes, I gotta call my family, tell em I'm
all
situated here...
Good deal... I'll be in the bathroom whackin it
(phone dials and rings)
...that's because Mrs. Snidel had her eyebrows and babushka
lasered
off, hello?
Hey mom, I'm at school, I'm all moved in, everything's great...
Oh, wonderful... what side of the room did you take?
You mean left or right or... what do you mean?
What side of the room? Did you go window or electrical outlet?
There's, like, five outlets and the window's in the middle of me
and
my roommate...
Oh, so everyone wins, how nice... Does your roommate do ecstasy
or
snort heroine?
I didn't ask him, mom...
Well, if he does, tell him you're not interested... Not because
you're a
nerd, but say it gives you bad diareah(?)
Okay, ma, sounds good...
Yeah!
I gotta get goin, there's an orientation party that's mandatory
for
freshmen to attend...
Oh, you should bring cupcakes... When you hand them out to the
other
kids, you say 'hi, my name's Tyler, here's to a sweet first year
at
college!'
Uh... okay...
You won't, but you should
I will next time... say hi to everybody for me, mom...
You say hello! It'll take you two seconds! They're all at the
dinner table
dying to talk to you... Everyone, Tyler's on the phone!
(background)
Man: Hey, hey, hey! Mr. College!
Woman:Who's on the phone?
Mom:Tyler, mom!
Other Man:Let me talk to the superstar!
Mom: Okay, here's your brother!
Other Man:Thanks, mumsy... Hey shitstains, how's it hangin?
Not bad, Pete... It's pretty awesome here...
You gettin laid yet?
Nah, just unpacked...
But I'm sure you found time to smoke a few dicks and lick a few
asses, right?
Nooo...
How's the dining hall? Full of tasty beaver?
Yeah, there were a lot of cute girls... and the food wasn't too
bad, either..
they actually served chicken parmigian...
Why don't you slap some of that parmigian cheese on a big fat
pair of
college jugs and have them for dinner, you fuckin dickwacker?
I'll work on that...
DER! Anyways, I talked to a couple of my landscaping buddies and
we
figured that we got a long weekend with you in early Rocktober,
cause
Ronnie James Dio is playin up there...
Oh, okay...
Tell your roommate I got his bed
Uh, you can sleep in my bed
That's where Fitz is sleepin, you fuckin asshole!
Man:Hey, I just wanna say hello! Give me the phone!
Pete:Alright, dad! Sorry I didn't go to college like Alfred
Einstein here, but
I'm a person too!
Dad:Just give me the phone, moron... How you doin kiddo?
Good, dad...
You enjoyin your freedom?
Yeah...
Don't get anyone pregnant...
I won't...
Okay... here's your grandma
Dad, I don't have time!
Dad:Say hello, there...
Grandma:Who is it? The ladies from the classical shop?
Pete:No grandma, it's the pharmacy
Grandma:Oh, good! Hi, Dimitri, did the cream for my vaginal warts
come in? Cause, like, we're talkin about they're starting to
spread
towards the anus...
Pete:Hahahahaha!
Grandma, it's not Dimitri, it's Tyler...
Oh, hi, Bubbie... why aren't you here? We're getting ready to
eat!
Grandma, we talked this morning, remember? I went away to
school...
Oh, how marvelous! Well, don't study too much or you'll drive
yourself
bananas! Take some time for yourself too
Thanks, grandma, I will
College is supposed to be fun!
Yeah...
I had my first gal on gal experience in college!
Ooh...
Dee Snyder was her name... too much hair downstairs... not for
me!
That's nice, grandma...
Alright, don't pierce your nipples!
I won't...
Pete:You didn't know grandma dyked out before, did ya?
No, fortunately she never told me...
Have fun gettin that image out of your head tonight when you beat
your meat!
Thanks...
Uh oh, dude! Someone else wants to say hello!
(fart)
Hahahahaha! Did you hear that beef?
Yeah, nice job...
Four straight seconds! Let's hear you rip one that long!
I can't...
Damn right, you can't! Cause they don't teach that in one of your
stupid
books! You're either born with it or you're not!
Yeah, you got the magic...
(doorbell)
Hold on a second, dildo, someone's at the door...
I can't hold on, I have to go!
Mom:Coming, just let me put the dog downstairs! Okay!
(Door opens)
You gotta be kidding me....
Man:Hello, there...
Mom:Bernie! What brings you over here?
Bernie:I'm just returning the power drill Walter lent me last
week
Dad:That's not my drill, Bernie!
Bernie:Well, I guess it's mine! May I eat now?
Mom:Oh, that's why you came over...
Bernie:Yes...
Dad:Terrific, come join us... Pete, go get Bernie a folding chair
from the closet!
Pete:Why can't grandma?
Dad:Just do it!
Bernie:Thank you, Walter... Hello, Yeta, how's your health?
Grandma:My labia lips itch, but other than that, I'm fine...
knock on wood!
Dad:See, Yeta? The fake wood leg comes in handy!
Grandma:True dat!
(Everyone laughs)
Hello? I have to go!!!
Pete:Sit down, Mr. Fetterman... but don't crush that big hog of
yours!
Bernie:Pardon me?
Pete:I said Tyler's on the horn from college
Bernie:Quickly, give me the phone! (sniff) Why does this phone
smell so
bad?
Pete:I dunno... I didn't fart in it! But I think my grandma
crapped herself...
Bernie:Oh, okay.. Tyler, it's Mr. Fetterman!
Hey, Mr. Fetterman, how you doin?
Do you have a roommate, Tyler?
Yeah, I do...
I must speak to him immediately
He's in the bathroom...
Go get him and bring him to me, now!
Okay... (knock) Hey Brandon!
Brandon:Hold on a second! Come on, Oprah... Let me cum in your
bellybutton! Ohmygod! Oh! love it... (flush) Yeah? What's up?
Could you do me a favor and talk to somebody for a minute?
Yeah, sure... Hello?
Bernie: Hello to you, my friend!
Who dis?
The question isn't who I am, the question is who are you?
Um... What does that mean?
It means you can't escape the truth! What are your plans? To turn
Tyler
into a giant recording machine so you that you can take my
thoughts to
your leader?
Uh... Come again?
What is your real name? Where do you hail from?
Uh, Brandon Seikz, Im from Oceanside, Long Island...
How dumb do you think I am? Your name is 4-7 and you are a robot
made
in a factory on the planet Yumnatz!
Really?
I know this because I too have radar!
I see...
We can make this easy or we can make this intensely difficult...
The choice
is yours...
Umm... I'll go with not difficult...
Fine... then pass this message along to your leader... I know
about the
pidgeons, so that's not gonna work anymore! I also have buried
the blender
in the backyard so better luck next time! I am not an amateur!
Did not say you were...
Let's call it a truce, or let's call it the end of mankind as we
know it! Either
way, fuck you! Are we clear, 4-7?
Oh, I get it... I'm on the radio!
Then the message has been sent!
Tyler:Just give me the phone, Brandon...
Brandon:Nice talkin to yall!
Bernie:Die, alien!
Tyler:Sorry bout that, dude...
Brandon:Not a problem!
Tyler:Don't worry, Mr. Fetterman, I got everything under control
I know you do, Tyler, and if he causes any trouble just pull his
battery
pack, that'll take him out of the game...
Good deal... Let me just say goodbye to my mother...
Right... and remember, no glove no love, alright?
Yeah, I'll remember that...
Nancy!
Pete:Hey, fuckface! Have fun telling ghost stories tonight with
your new
pussy friends!
I will...
Suck a hairy nipple! Here, mumsy!
Mom:Stop cursing!
Pete:I wasn't, mom!
Mom:Just go play with your cock and balls...
Pete:Right away, mom...
Alright, baby, did you remember to bring your dandruff shampoo?
Yeah, I did, mom...
Take the label off if you're embarrassed for your roommate to see
it...
I will..
Okay, go have fun at the mixer... call us when you get back to
your room
Call ya? It's probly gonna be late, ma!
That's no problem, we'll all wait up, bye bye! (click)
Man, my family aint easy to deal with sometimes...
Nobodys is!
What, your family's a little nutty also?
Oh yes... Ya know? I should actually give them a call, too, let
em know
I'm okay...
You got it, I'll be in the bathroom whackin it to my grandma
eating out
Dee Snyder...
Good deal...(dialing and ringing)
Gay Robot: Hello?
Hey dad!
Hello, son! Did you join a fraternity yet?
I'm workin on it
Well, when you do, I'll come visit so I can fuck all your new
brothers!
Send "Calling Home" Ringtone to your Cell 